| wow |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|12:01 pm] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | none | ] |
today was just..weird. i get up around 2 in the afternoon. yeh im a bum. get ready, then went to my aunts boyfriends BBQ. played volleyball & all that fun stuff and then came back home. checked my myspace and i have a message with the subject reading "its ant pass" and my heart skipped a beat but i didnt think anything of it. i thought it was someone messing with me. well, i was wrong. it was anthony passarella & if you read a few entries down youll understand it all. it said..
what up long time no see im on steves my space how u been i have been alright. what u been up too. tell g baby i said hi. write back
nothing special. just a message. but that little message is what ive been waiting for, for the past 2 years. pathetic i know. i dont no i dont no i dont know damnit why do i think too much into these things? hes probably just being nice. or something. just saying hi. I DONT KNOW. grrr. [oh, btw, g-baby is what he calls my little sister] i miss him so damn much and i wish so bad i didnt.. |
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| today sucked |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|03:06 am] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | none | ] |
well last night i slept at caitlins & came home early this morning. my mom went for her cat scan on her lungs at 9:00am and at 11:00am the doctors called & told her to get there asap cause she has 2 massive blood clots growing in her lungs. one on her left and one on her right and it could be fatal. she made me feel so horrible cause she sat on her bed crying for like a half hour saying she doesnt wanna go to the hospital and that she gives up and all of this. they made her go to fox chase, way up in PA. shes gotta stay there until sunday possibly monday. does shit ever go good around here? no.. tomorrow night im supposed to be sleepin at christies cause her parents are goin away for the weekend & we're gonna be drinkin. hopefully that happens cause i so need it. if not ill probably go chill with tom. he made me feel so much better today when i felt like i could never be broughten up again. cassie came over to comfort me, cause she loves me and all. and it definatly helped cause she took my mind right off of all the drama and we talked about a bunch of things im sure youd rather not have me say. =] tomorrow im most likely goin to see my mommy. i cant wait. i gave her my bear i sleep with everynight that i have slept with for like the past 4years. so that should keep her company until we get there =] haha. well its 3am and i gotta get up early tomorrow and clean and all that fun stuff. |
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| la la la |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|03:01 am] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | COLD; letter to god | ] |
well i rarely update this thing anymore.
oh & cold [year of the spider] is def. my fucking life at the moment
i love that damn CD
friday. did nothing i dont think? oh wait i lied. i went to camden with christy so she can get her friend weed. not a fun experience. im way too white for that shit.
saturday. cassie came over & the parents for out for the night so of course mad people were over. we had our parrot bay tho, so we payed no mind to them. i didnt get drunk tho. damnit. of course she did lol i still have half a bottle im savin for the weekend
and sunday. me cassie her mom my mom and my sister went to the carnival. we went on the zipper and HOLY SHIT. cassies flip flop flew off her foot and hit me dead in the face. mud was all over us. and we couldnt stop laughin. it was great. then we went on another ride and she spun it. i got sick and that was my night lol went on a few more rides but all in all, felt like shit the rest of the night. then puked. =]
monday. wtf did i do monday? probably nothing. yeh. pretty much
then theres today. didnt do much today. cooked dinner and set the pool up. and thres a fucking bug on my keyboard that hops everytime i try to squish it. wtf.
jamsies away message says jess<3. ill kill jess. why do i not know of this jess charector? and no i dont have a major crush on james. hes my best friend. and id like to be informed on the girls in his life damnit. thanks james u big meany. and yes, i just put your shit out there. now what nigger. lol
the mamas been a littttttle pysco lately. alrite. REALLY pysco lately. man i gotta get outta this house. shes drivin me nuts.
laura found a man peice =] im so excited for her haha. now hopefully shit works out for me. LAURA U FUCK THIS UP I KILL YOU. trust is the keyword. lol
wow im really puttin everyone shit out here tonight. i think im gonna go now haha |
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| boredem |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|02:05 pm] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | COLD- suffocate | ] |
well obviously i dont post everyday. cause my life will never be that interesting. sorry. lol and i dont think yous need to no everything goin on in it. k well. my "guy" life is non existant at this point in time which doesnt really bother me. cause im fine without it. my friendships are all shit right now besides my james. fuck lori. shes a whore and thats that. caitlin just doesnt know how to sepperate her friendships with her love life. if that makes sence. which means she doesnt know how to balance the 2 equally. cassie hears a lot of bullshit and actually believes it which is strange for cassie cause shes past the elementry bs but whatever. i dont know what to tell her. and then theres my james. and if ur wondering why i keep callin him my james its bc he is MY james. not yours. but mine. my best friend. he sent me this today, and it made me think alot. and ya know what, no matter how many times i fuck up, he still loves me and i will never lose my value to him. and if yous have never experienced true friendship there it is. i love him.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar
by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,
"Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it
because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt
by the decisions we make and
the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,
you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we
know,
but by WHO WE ARE.
You are special- Don't EVER forget it." |
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| when is it my time to sine |
[Jul. 8th, 2005|01:45 am] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | my give a damns busted | ] |
"its nights like these i wonder how i got this far"
I wish people would take the time out to get to know me. theyd see that im actually a really good person. just because i dont go out everynight and get shitfaced doesnt mean im not a fun person. and just because i dont need a joint to get my night started doesnt mean i cant make the best out of any situation. sometimes i think i think too hard. too deep into things. too deep into how people are feeling, and why theyre feeling that why. just because i had to leave school 3months early this year doesnt mean im a loser. or that im a drop out. it means my mom was diagnosed with cancer and i needed to be with her. so whoever thinks im a loser for that is truly a loser their selves. i am going to college and i dont care if im there until im 40. im going for child pyscology and whoever wants to laugh can laugh. whoever wants to doubt, can doubt. just because my skirt isnt showing my ass cheeks or my face doesnt look like an art canvas covered in makeup doesnt mean im not beautiful inside and out. i like to read and i dont care who knows it. id rather spend my night sitting at a park having a deep conversation with someone i care about, rather than sitting at a party with a million guys who are tryin to get laid. id rather run around outside in the rain than sitting inside complaining about how shitty the day is. id rather rent some movies and cuddle up to watch them at your place or mine than go to the theature with the uncomftorable chaires and the air condition way to high. id love to be a model one day, but i want to be reconized for my mind and intelligence, rather than my body. i would love to sit home and order out instead of gettin dressed up to go to an expensive resturant with shitty food. i love to sing dixie chicks at the top of my lungs when im in the shower. or cleaning. i love the smell of the rain when the pavement was really hot before the downpour. my mom is my hero, she has been battling lun/brain cancer for the past 7 months. i would have given up by now. my dad is the most interesting person you will ever meet. his outlook on life is amazing. he has the biggest heart you could ever imagine. my brothers are my world. if you really got to know them youd see they are the 2 most awesome guys ever. my little sister i adore every inch of her. i have a best friend named cassie. if you were to randomly bump into her you probably wouldnt think twice about her. but if you really got to know her youd see she is an amazing person. i admire her. although i tend to show it way to rarely. i was forced to grow up and mature way too quickly, but im glad i was, cause i wouldnt be who i was today if i hadnt. i would be a vulnerable girl still believing that if you wish hard enough on a star it would come true. that isnt the case, although there are them nights i still close my eyes tight and make a wish. if i had two wishes, they would be that 1people would reconize the real me. the strong person that i am. the person who loves helping people, loves making people laugh, loves having a good time. the person who has been locked away for way too long cause no one has taken the time to open me up and get to know me. and wish #2 that my mother would get better. shes been fighting this for far too long. one day i want to ask her how shes feeling and have her respond with you know what. i feel great i want her to tell me she feels better than shes ever felt. and i want her to see her true beauty. the beauty i see in her. she sees a woman that has gained 80pounds and lost all of her hair within the last 7months. but i see a woman who is more beautiful than anyone could ever be.
i dont know. tonight im just in a weird mood i suppose. i just miss feeling like im someone. like im wanted and loved. i guess its just been a little too rough around here. im sure ill be fine come tomorrow.
"Why don't you take me somewhere else; somewhere I don't belong, and we hide there until morning." |
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| why do i do this |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|01:43 am] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | none | ] |
i miss him. with every part of me. every day i wake up thinkin today is the day you're going to get him back that day never comes. why cant i just get over him? its been over 2 years since we broke up. but i can still remember every little detail as if it were yesterday.
i remember the first time we hung out after michelles party. me you and lori met at the bean school in pine hill and you road me to my aunts house on your bike, even though you had a broken hand and a huge cast on.
that night you told me you didnt want a relationship. and i felt the same way. then you got home late and your mom freaked. we stayed on the phone and you were askin me a bunch of questions and everytime i answered them youd tell your bother robbie you were gonna marry me, cause you liked my answers.
and i remember the first time me & lori slept over. you werent home when we got there but you came rollin up on your scooter.
and i remember how you hated the fact that i smoked. so i used to have to sneak it from you. somehow you always found out tho.
and i remember waking up next to you after it snowed all night and when i tried to get up to see the snow youd say "no snow for you" in a high pitched voice and hold me down on the bed so i couldnt get up.
and i remember how everytime i smoked a ciggarette youd say "no kissys for you" in the same high pitched voice. i miss that voice..
i remember bringin the matress down stairs when steveo slept over so we could all sleep in the living room. you guys always thought i was sleeping and youd start talking about how much you loved me, even tho steveo hated the fact that i had hair on my arms =] you loved every bit of me. i heard that part also.
and i remember waking up to your aunt and your mom talking sayin "she is beautiful. anthonys really got somethn there" and you woke up and said "yes i do. isnt she the greatest."
i remember goin to the movies at lion head, and waiting for your dad to come get us on the side on the theature and you kept yelling "i love you" and listening to it echo.
and i remember all the nights we'd stay up forever talking about nothing. then falling asleep on your chest.
i remember sleeping on top of you on the couch almost every night, and my arms had to be under neath of yours, cause i felt so safe that way.
and i remember when you were sittin in the bath tub. yes. the bathtub while i was in the bathroom cause you said baths are boring without someone to talk to. i laugh everytime i picture you sittin in the tub with the mirror shaving.
i remember the night we got so drunk, you told me you got with cock-eyed kim from mcdonalds when we broke up for a few days. i wouldnt let you touch me or go near me. you sat at the attic window for hours crying. then cried yourself to sleep...
and i remember the summer coming. and you wanted to be single, i knew it. you didnt wanna tell me though. cause you didnt wanna hurt me. but i could see it. so i broke up with you instead, cause if you were happpy, i was happy, except i wasnt. that was june 3rd.
i remember sitting on your counter that night waitin for my aunt to get me, and i was cryin my eyes out. so were you. it hurt so bad. so we didnt break up then and there. you told me youd call me and leave me message saying "friends" or "together" cause it would be easier that way.
i remember going home and running to my room. only to hear the word "friends" come on my answering machine. it was the worst day ever.
i remember you telling me youd help me with my science project that was due june 6th, the day after my birthday, so i slept at your house on my birthday so you could help me with it, we stayed up all night talking again. the next morning my aunt picked me up for school and you told me it was over and you didnt wanna hurt me anymore, so we shouldnt talk after that. we both cried, again..
i remember gettin evicted from my house in cedarbrook and moving to the house around the corner around you. i was sure we could work things out after that. i was wrong..
i remember going to your house and giving you a letter, and leaving. about 10feet from my house you came speeding up on your bike, with your knee gashed open cause you were riding so fast to catch up to me that you flipped your bike. you came to tell me you wanted to be with me, and that you were sorry..
it didnt work. we tried so hard but i knew you didnt wanna be tied down, so i let you go again...
a few weeks lateri went to a party at your house with michelle. i knew i shouldnt have gone but i missed you so bad. we went upstairs and talked for awhile, we kissed, we hugged, we cried. and you reminded me that whenever i was on the bottem bunk of your bunkbed is when i cried. so we moved to the top. lol. i miss you and your spontanious ways.
after that night we never really talked again. i walked home cryin and regretted ever goin there..
and i rememeber a month before this school year ended i found out you were goin out with my cousin shannon. i remember my heart being crushed. i couldnt eat or sleep. i couldnt really do anything. and i still cant.
anthony sheer passarella you were my first and only love. i miss you so much its unreal. i dont understand it when they say time heals. it doesnt heal, it hasnt healed, and it never will. i cant begin to explain the pain i feel when i think about you, about us, about everything. you were my first everything. i love you. i love you so much and i wish i could tell you this. shit has been so tough around here and if you were here with me i know id make it out ok. i miss you. i cant say it enough. i miss you |
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| to my ladies.. |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|02:07 am] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| | lonely | ] |
This is my tribute to the nice girls.
To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong.
This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times.
This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood.
This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention.
This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word.
This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds."
This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on.
For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.
This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.
This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.
This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup.
This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had.
This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep. This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep.
This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.
This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted.
This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging.
Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find?
Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing:
"This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship:
relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race. So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?) |
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|
| hmm |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|01:33 am] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | none | ] |
so im done with dan. i dont think he really cares tho. its whatever. cause neither do i. i knew it was coming i just enjoyed it while it was there. soo tonight me + cassie went to chill with chad brad + brian. watched a movie and shit then came back home. now were jus chillin. nothin special really happened today, sorry =] |
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| wut a 4th of july mine was |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|11:34 am] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | none | ] |
well. dan never showed up. never called. never answered my calls. so i say fuck it. i dont need that. at all. so me and caite went and chilled with..ummm. rachel, jenn, kate, celina, joe, carl, kevin, andy, smoothy brown & his friends. i seen sarah and tiffany. um who else. oh, i seen louie walker. i duno there were tons of people. i had fun the fireworks were fuckin awesome & i watched em with my mommy =] then me and caite went back to her brothers girlfriends house with a few people and set off some firecrackers and other shit. got homeee, went to wendys with shanedoe. nd came back and went to sleep. im gonna call cassie and seen which week she wants to spend here. i miss that shit head. oh yeah i seen lori and brian and joanne too. so that was my 4th, didnt get fucked up, didnt party, but it was fun. oh well. |
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|
| hmm |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|11:16 pm] |
| [ | feeLiin a biiT |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | beats bumpiinn |
| | reliant k. be my escape. | ] |
lets see. last time i wrote was friday? its now sunday. hmmm. i slept at caitlins friday night, did our scrapbook & its lookin goooood. i seen dan for a whole.. idsay.. 5minutes? yeh. pretty much. then me & caite went to my aunts boyfriends house for some BBQin and all that bullshit in between. caite went home at like .. i duno. 10ish? and i slept there cause we went canoeing today. for 8 friggen hours. it was so.. boring? relaxing and pretty scenes, but all in all, boring. since i have no balance what so ever i flipped the canoe about half a dozen times and we all fell in. then fell out by myself about another half of dozen. and it was freeeeeezing. got home, hoping to see someone but you know how that always works out. so caitlin came over and were waitin for her boyfriend to get here so we can go to palace. i was hoping someone would come but, again, u no how that goes. but he has an excuse this time. so i guess i wont complain =]
i dont know whats goin on with that. hes supposed to be comin to fireworks with us tomorrow, we'll see how that goes, if it goes. me & caite are goin to the berlin parade tho. i love the parade ive been goin since as long as i can remember, everyone else are bums and dont wanna wake up at 8 to go with us. oh well. bonding time for us. well thats how myyy weekend went. |
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